I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a skeptic, but I do have some fairly non-traditional views about marriage: I’m not particularly romantic, I didn’t get married until I was well into my thirties, and I kept my own name. Gilbert did a lot of research on the history of marriage in various cultures for the book; I was curious to learn how she came to terms with it all, and I knew she would serve it up with her trademark humor and insight.

I never faulted Gilbert for what some people labeled her self-absorbance. (What’s wrong with seeking what makes one happy in life, particularly when one is single and childless?) I liked her even more after seeing her in person: she was funny and warm and seemed like the kind of person you would want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with. She said some really inspired things on the subject of happiness and marriage … things like, no one else is responsible for your happiness, and you have to “get your own house in order” before you can be in a successful relationship.

Gilbert also directly addressed the comments from people who criticized her for being “selfish.” She said she was a much better friend, daughter, sister, and community member — and, ultimately, wife — after she went out and got her own shit together. I think women are often reluctant to spend time nurturing themselves because we are taught that it’s selfish, that we should put everyone else above ourselves. But unless you meet your own needs first, you will have nothing to give to anyone else.

It strikes me as profoundly sad that these sentiments are revelatory to many people, women in particular. From the murmurs and nods in the mostly-female audience, it was clear that these were some hard-learned lessons. (According to Gilbert, an early copy of the book crushed all the 21-year-olds in the British publisher’s office, but “gave hope to all the 45-year-olds.”)  In the book, Gilbert discusses how her own American culture taught her that getting married would bring her happiness. Of her impending second marriage, she writes, “our very job description as spouses was to be each other’s everything. So I had always assumed, anyhow.”

I have to say I can’t exactly relate to Gilbert on this count. I have never felt like my spouse was supposed to be my everything, to “complete” me. And perhaps here is where it turns out that I was lucky to have had no serious spousal candidates until I was past the age of 30. Had I married earlier, I might have also fallen into the trap of thinking that my marriage — my spouse — was the most defining aspect of my life. But as it was, I had enough time to figure out that my life is what I make of it. I am responsible for my own happiness. And so I got busy working on myself, getting my own house in order.

I think this is a big part of why my marriage works as well as it does. We didn’t bring unrealistic expectations into it. We have our own interests, and we both fully support each other. But it is not my husband’s job description to make me happy. As Gilbert noted, that is a pretty tall order — even an unkind one — to place on another human being. Buddha said, “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” We shouldn’t be expecting something or someone else to make use happy. Learn how to be your own everything. You’ll be much happier — single or married — if you do.

“People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.”

- Ramona L. Anderson

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

I enjoyed reading some of  my old posts on authenticity and personal growth. I’ve gotten away from those topics in my newer fixation on health and nutrition. I kind of miss exploring those topics, but it’s also gratifying that I no longer feel the need to. I don’t feel like I am missing something in my life. While I will always remain interested in the concepts of authenticity and self-actualization, I feel like I have found a purpose in life, or am at least on the right path. I may not be able to become certified as a nutritionist until I get some financial matters taken care of, but I am satisfied with my current work. I am writing, I am learning new things, I am growing, and I feel like I am helping others.

I mentioned this to Ryan, and he said he thinks I am happier than when he first met me. He also said he thinks I am still intimidated by the idea of supporting myself with my writing. I definitely agree with that assessment – sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop second-guessing my decision to freelance. Sometimes I think things would be a lot easier if I just went out and found a job. And in some ways, they would be. But I wouldn’t be happy. No matter how stressful freelancing sometimes gets, I’m fortunate that I get to do what I do. It’s good to sometimes have reminders.

In other news, I have decided to go full vegetarian. I flirted with vegetarianism in college and it didn’t stick, but I’m eating much healthier in general now. I’ve already changed my diet drastically over the past year, cutting down on meat and processed foods, and eating much more raw fruits and vegetables. After doing some further reading on the subject (specifically, the copy of Skinny Bitch I borrowed from Kelsey [and before you say anything, the book isn’t really about getting skinny. It’s about getting healthy. I realize I don’t need to get skinny]), I have decided I need to make even more changes. I don’t think it will be too hard; I don’t eat much meat as it is, although I do enjoy an occasional chicken taco salad or a burger. I’ll manage. I’m also cutting down on dairy, but not totally eliminating it. Giving up cheese would be way too hard. Baby steps.

I find all of this fascinating. I’ve believed for a while that a big problem in healthcare today is that modern medicine typically treats symptoms rather than address the underlying cause. One of the speakers, a naturopathic physician, treated a severe case of uterine bleeding with psychological counseling, even though the insurance company wanted him to perform a hysterectomy. The woman’s condition completely cleared up.

Of course modern medicine has made valuable advances in the treatment of many conditions, but to be truly healthy, we need to acknowledge the mind-body connection and take a holistic approach to our well-being. If this isn’t reason to learn how to authentically express yourself in a constructive manner, I don’t know what is! When we keep things bottled up, it’s not only emotionally unhealthy — it can have devastating consequences on our physical health as well.

I wasn’t really expecting to hear about self-actualization on an audio CD about parenting, but I guess given the topic of self-esteem, it makes sense. When I think about the factors that contribute to the suppression of our true selves, I most often think of the peer pressure typically encountered in junior high and high school, or the recurrent themes in advertising and popular culture that tell us we need to look like everyone else or own the right clothes, shoes, gadgets, etc. But the program touches on another factor I hadn’t previously considered. As children, our self-concept can be jeopardized by well-meaning parents and teachers who fail to validate our feelings. The speaker gives an example of a child who hits a playmate for taking his toy. When the parent responds simply by telling the child not to hit others or punishes the child, the feelings that led to the action are invalidated. The child learns that it’s wrong to express or even feel anger. The speaker suggests helping the child find a better way to express his feelings, one that does not involve hitting. (Certainly this applies to a first offense, and subsequent defiance or aggressive behavior would be dealt with differently, which is not the focus of the program.)

As I started thinking about the ways parents — unwittingly or otherwise — thwart the development of their children’s self-concept, it reminded me of the movie Dead Poets Society, in which the main character commits suicide because his father forbids him to study theatre. Of course this is an extreme example, but there are countless cases of individuals whose creative tendencies aren’t nurtured, who aren’t taught how to express themselves, who never learn that it’s okay to be themselves, without apology. And so many of us struggle to learn these things later in life. We pay psychiatrists thousands of dollars to help us learn that it’s okay to be who we are, that we can live our lives according to our own design, that we don’t have to bend to the expectations and unfulfilled dreams of someone else.

In Building Self-Esteem in Your Child, the speaker cites a study that found that 80% of children entering first grade had high self-esteem. By fifth grade, this number fell to 20%. And by junior high, it was down to 5%. Clearly, these early years are crucial in developing one’s self-concept. How much different would our lives be if we were taught to properly express ourselves at a young age?

When I was a child, my mother would take me to the library regularly. I loved the library, and I loved coming home each time with a stack of books. I read a lot, and I always read fiction. Throughout my entire life, I’ve loved reading fiction. And when I started writing, I wrote fiction. In the sixth grade, I wrote “choose your own adventure” stories with rabbits as the main characters (inspired, no doubt, by my love for Watership Down). In junior high, I wrote short stories about girls my age who invariably had some sort of magical power, or a horse. In college, I majored in creative writing and took multiple fiction workshops. But I never really loved fiction writing. I wrote fiction because my tunnel vision equated being a writer with being a novelist. After college, whenever I sat down and tried to write a short story, or approach the more formidable task of planning a novel, my heart wasn’t in it. I still identified myself as a writer, but I couldn’t say I was passionate about it. I wrote very little for many years.

And then I started blogging. At first it was slow going; I really wasn’t sure what I was going to post in my blog. But eventually, as I began to think more about the things I was learning and experiencing, I started doing something I hadn’t done in a long time: writing in my head. Whenever I’m driving in my car, or taking a shower, or falling asleep at night, I am forming sentences in my head, constructing entire paragraphs that demand to be put down on paper (or the screen, as it may be). These thoughts won’t go away until I record them. And once I do, space is freed in my mind for other topics to blossom. I am constantly writing, constantly thinking of topics to explore, of ideas to share.

I took a non-fiction writing class in college, and I loved it. My one piece of work in print, in Potpourri magazine, was a non-fiction account of my experiences in Africa. And yet those experiences somehow didn’t give me the permission I needed to pursue creative non-fiction writing as a career path. I think that’s due to several things. First of all, blogging didn’t even exist when I graduated from college. But more significantly, I never trusted my judgments before, or put much value in my own opinions. I had to get to where I am now in life, to experience the things I have, to become the person I now am, to feel like I have enough knowledge and wisdom and insight to have something to share with other people. I’ve learned — am continually learning — things that I believe can help other people lead happier, more inwardly rich lives. I love writing articles that are informative, that can help others in some way. I enjoy taking complex topics and breaking them down so that they are more accessible to other people. This is a side of writing that I’ve never fully experienced before. Only once I stepped outside my tunnel and looked at writing in a different way was I able to rediscover my love for it.

I was worried that, with more freelance assignments building, I wouldn’t have time or inclination enough to write in my blog, but look — I’ve been posting nearly every day. The more I write, the more I want to write. The more I learn, the more I want to share with others. And I hope that never goes away.

I recently moved into a new apartment, and now I have a half-hour commute to work. At first I was dreading it, but then I realized I could use the time to listen to self-improvement programs. Personal growth and positive psychology are some of my favorite subjects to learn about, and what better way to expand my knowledge than to take advantage of the extra time I now have in the car? I’m fortunate enough that I work for a company where I have almost unlimited access to these types of programs, but you can always check them out at your local library.

What are some areas in your life where you could improve? Have you ever wished you were more assertive, outgoing, or patient? Could you manage your time or your finances better? There is always room for improvement! Pick one area and resolve to work on it this month. If audio programs aren’t your thing, find a book or a Web site that can help and start reading!

And just for the record, I’m counting exercise and massage as both inner and outer improvement, because I believe they are good for the soul.

The secret to living the life of your dreams is to start living the life of your dreams, right now, to whatever degree possible.

That quote has really stayed with me. It is so simple, yet so profound. By taking whatever steps possible toward your goals, however small they may be, you will start moving in that direction. But more importantly, something else happens. A mind shift. A different way of thinking. It may be imperceptible at first, but your thoughts will start to change. And when your thoughts change, your actions and decisions are also affected. You will start behaving differently. You will start making decisions that will lead you further in the direction you want to go.

For me, starting to live the life of my dreams was fairly easy. If I want to make a living as a writer, my next step is obvious: I need to write more. So I started writing in my blog and looking for freelance work. I found the position with AltGlobe, and then some other small freelance assignments followed. Not enough to earn a living, not nearly enough to start thinking about writing full-time, but enough to earn me some regular income on the side, enough to keep me excited about writing and wanting to do more.

Today I was chatting with a coworker — who owns dozens of domain names and maintains several forum-type Web sites on the side — and he told me he is starting a new “green living” Web site. He asked me if I would be willing to write content for the site if he paid me a monthly fee. Would I be willing to write content if he paid me a monthly fee. Here was an opportunity I didn’t even know existed, one I wasn’t even pursuing. It came out of nowhere. I don’t believe this is a coincidence. I believe things happen for a reason. I believe what you think about, you will attract in your life.

Lately I have been thinking about listening again to Brian Tracy’s Psychology of Achievement, and wouldn’t you know it, when I arrived at work this morning, there was a copy of the brand-new revised audio CD on my desk! (Left there by someone in the products department, so that I could update the Web page on our e-commerce site.) As I drove home today, I popped the first disk into my CD player. The first few tracks dealt with these exact ideas. Thoughts are the cause; circumstances are the effect. What you think, you become. Thoughts become things, as Mike Dooley likes to say. Choose the good ones. Your life reflects what you think about most. Successful people spend most of their time thinking about what they want and how to get it. Unsuccessful people spend most of their time thinking about what is wrong with their lives and who to blame.

Which do you want to be?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
- Henry David Thoreau

*To receive daily notes from the Universe, sign up on Mike’s Web site, tut.com

I have the tendency to easily become enthusiastic about things but not necessarily follow through with them. I’ve dabbled in various interests and activities — dance, guitar, even skydiving — but have never stuck with one thing over the years. Even my writing has taken a backseat to trying to carve out some sort of meaningful career, which is obviously lacking enthusiasm for me, if you’ve read my previous posts.

Today, though, I feel enthusiastic. Maintaining this blog — random and somewhat sporadic my posts may be — has made me rediscover my love of writing. Last week, I combed through writing samples from previous jobs in order to build my new Web site (www.keisenbraun.webs.com) and I realized, there’s some good stuff here. I need to keep doing this. I have a talent and I need to use it. Building both my blog and Web site has given me a creative outlet I didn’t realize I was missing. And it’s given me something to be enthusiastic about. I realized this morning on the way to work that I was actually looking forward to starting the day, something I hadn’t experienced in a while, at least not on a weekday. Maybe the boredom I’ve been feeling in my job can be a little more tolerable if I continue to direct my energy into my creative endeavors. Now that my Web site is online, I’ve been applying for freelance writing jobs, which will hopefully help alleviate my professional ennui, and perhaps eventually lead to a new profession. For now, I’m excited to continue writing, even if it is just for a little blog with a readership of about five people (thanks for your support, y’all).

I am keenly aware that I am rapidly approaching the age of 34 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. This doesn’t bother me too much, since I have a lot of interests and feel that I could be happy in a variety of roles. But I have been contemplating the existence of that “dream job” … what is it? Does it really exist? Will I ever find it? And does finding it have more to do with diligence and luck than with actual skills? Is there really something out there that could blend my skills with my interests (and pay me a decent salary)? When I was in my twenties, I felt that my job title defined me. I hated telling people when they asked — and they always ask — that I was an administrative assistant, or “I’m temping right now, but ….” I felt that people would see me as successful only if I had an impressive, coveted job title. Now I am beginning to think that maybe what I do is less important than where I do it. I know I want my next job to be with an organization that is socially and environmentally responsible. A company that gives back, uses sustainable resources, and tries to make the world a better place. And maybe, just maybe, I would feel a greater sense of purpose working for a company like that, even if I were “just an administrative assistant.” Sometimes I kick myself that I didn’t continue in some sort of development work after my service in the Peace Corps. Fresh off a stint in the global do-gooder organization, maybe I should have taken a job — any job — in the non-profit sector and explored other causes I could have become passionate about. Instead, I wanted a creative role, and opted for a job in marketing. I bounced around in entry-level jobs for a number of years after that, trying to find something more meaningful. Now I’m in marketing again, and yes, this time I’m working for a non-profit organization. But I couldn’t say that I’m passionate about what I do, or that my company’s values reflect my own.

I was proud of myself in college for choosing a major (creative writing) that I loved and that I was good at, even though it didn’t offer a clear career path. Ten years later, sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I often think I would have been a good psychologist. Or maybe my passion for reproductive freedom would have made me a good candidate for a sexual health educator. Maybe it’s not too late to change my career path or my field, but doing so at this point in my life would require a lot of hard work and more than a few sacrifices, which I’m not sure I’m ready for right now.

But then there is the even more drastic thought that maybe success is less about what I do or where I do it than who I am. After years of feeling like I needed to be something different, something better, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I know what is important to me and my life reflects that. My diet, my lifestyle, how I spend my time and who I spend it with — all of these things have been scrutinized and modified over the past few years, so that now my life bears little resemblance to the life I was living in my twenties. With my commitment to living a more natural, sustainable lifestyle, I know that every decision I make, no matter how small, takes me closer to that goal. So even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going in my career, I know my life is headed in the right direction. And that may be more success than many people ever get to experience.